Summary: I drank a bunch of booze and still didn’t get a hangover. This stuff works.
So I was browsing one of the more…colorful subs on Reddit and came across murmurs of a purportedly miraculous hangover cure by the name of Alcotox.
- Alcotox relieves hangover symptoms.
- Alcotox also neutralizes Acetaldehyde, which is created as the body metabolizes alcohol. (Wiki generally agrees this shit is nasty.)
- This helps your liver!
- This helps Asian Flush! (Aren’t you glad researchers are working on the important stuff?)
- Acetaldehyde is associated with many health risks, including cancer.
Being a social drinker, these claims piqued my interest and I decided an Alcotox review was in order.
Therefore, I shall embark on a journey into the unknown on behalf of all those that need to peel themselves off their bed from time to time. Was it also an excuse to get rip-roaringly drunk under the guise of productive research for the common good? Yes, yes it was.
As it stands, the plan is to build a line up of the worst, most borderline “is this suitable for human consumption?” alcohol available at the very fine Camilo Market (no liquor, I’m Lenting and giving it up in an effort to get one of the more comfortable recliners in purgatory) to really see how far science has taken us.
My good friend and esteemed journalist, Em Cass, will be documenting this evening’s events under #kyledrinks4science. You can follow along below. Godspeed.
[Edit: This function stopped working. I guess you had to be there.]
The Evening As I Recall It
After hauling my piece of shit car over to Brookline to have its hub bearing replaced, I scored some tacos at Anna’s and hopped back to JP on the 66 (sober, which felt wrong in every way).
I moseyed over to the liquor store, curious if I’d catch a second glance with my checkout. I was not disappointed.
I placed the bottles on the counter.
“Um, I’ll be right back. I have one more thing”
The clerk’s eyebrow raised. I ran back to get a six pack of pounders for Em to make sure she would catalog the evening with gusto.
“This is everything.”
Despite my beard and the dark circles under my eyes that no youngster could possess, I got carded buying this shit because I’m sure the guy behind the counter was thinking “Well, you’re either underage or homeless to be drinking all this fruity shit and your pants are way too clean to suggest you’re shelter impaired so I’ll go with the former.” No sir, I just want to watch the world burn.
In total, I bought:
- 750 ml. of Cisco (17% abv., strawberry flavored, not recommended for anyone)
- 375 ml. of Mad Dog (12% abv., orange jubilee, a fitting title)
- 40 oz. (fuck yeah, imperial units) of Colt 45 (5.6% abv., I decided to give myself a shot and scrap the initial plan for Steel Reserve)
Using ((volume in ml)*(abv))/(100) to calculate the number of units (Wiki forever), this amounts to 23 units of alcohol. Alcotox recommends taking one pill for every 1-2 units as you drink, which, at a variance of exactly 100%, garnered a wtf from me. I threw caution to the wind, placed my trust in my youthful vitality and whichever B level scientists are working on this supplement and went with 2.
At my friend Scott’s recommendation (thanks dude!) I took the wildcard out of the equation immediately and started in on the bottle of Cisco. It is objectively horrible. It smells like melted down Jolly Ranchers and tastes like spoiled Juicy Juice.
Scott, coming through in the clutch, suggests I play the Wayne’s World drinking game. This requires the participants to drink every time “excellent” is muttered throughout the course of the movie. This helped with the Cisco. It was smooth sailing once that bottle was finished.
From there, we engaged in pretty typical drunk behavior:
- lighter fights
- Next Time on Lonny
- defending Jesse Lacey
I woke up and felt pretty damn good. So it works.
I took 11 Alcotox pills throughout the course of the evening (3 when I started drinking, 5 as I drank, and 3 when I was done), which is roughly one pill for every two alcohol units. I felt a bit sluggish with a slight headache, but I’d guesstimate that the Alcotox cancelled out about 95% of the hell I was due for. I’ve definitely felt way worse from much less drinking.
Science prevails. The future is here. Drink up.